Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh