Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.