Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.