Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

mood

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.