Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Me, in DM rooms…

Mapping America’s Far Right

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Some people were born into their job.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips