Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here