The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Can Happiness buy money?