The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
How actors in movies eat their food
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.