The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
necessity is the mother of invention
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”