The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Hell yeah 👍
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another