The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
🎵 I can’t wait to
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Kermit goes Blue.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”