Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.