The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
You Might Also Like
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.