Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.