The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.