The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
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*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
