The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg