The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
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detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Its true…
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea