The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
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No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.