@ramblinma

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

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@KeetPotato

[jim henson reveals kermit the frog for 1st time]
me:
jim:
me:
jim:
me:
jim: “what do you think?”
me: “i mean have you ever seen a frog?”

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

@ThisOneSayz

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

@SufficientCharm

6am: Too tired

8am: This isn’t so bad

1pm: OMG so tired

5pm: zombie

8pm: Dead

10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS

@FilmsWeWant

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

@bylinetd

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

@Terdoh

I typed “Cigarettes” in the search bar and it said “No Matches”.

The universe has spoken.

@thepaulasuzanne

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”