[jim henson reveals kermit the frog for 1st time]
jim: “what do you think?”
me: “i mean have you ever seen a frog?”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
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I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
“i’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today”
Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
6am: Too tired
8am: This isn’t so bad
1pm: OMG so tired
10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I typed “Cigarettes” in the search bar and it said “No Matches”.
The universe has spoken.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”