The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
You Might Also Like
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
