The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
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When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
he’s doing your taxes
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.