The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
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Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Got him!
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”