The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
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[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs