Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me