The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
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I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?