The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

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[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.


Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™


“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me


If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.


INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!


I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.


I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.