LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
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*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts