@Underchilde

The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

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@daemonic3

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

@OrangeFact

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

@mstern68

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

@shkeeber

If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.

@FunnyBison

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

@HushJared

I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

@Gorilla_Turd

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.