The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
The days of good grammer has went
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall