Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

Social distancing in Australia:

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

*watches the world burn*

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.