The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Best spoiler warning ever
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
