The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.