Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

no refunds

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins