the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
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Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Uh oh…
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers