Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate