The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
SPLOOT
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol