Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

I’m sorry…what?

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.