The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
? 💀
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon