The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I hate everything
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.