The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.