The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*