Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers