The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
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Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Hear me out: WrestleVania
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
