The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.