Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

He a real one for that

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

live, laugh, laundry.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.