Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”