Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

😬

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer