The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.