This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
You Might Also Like
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”