The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
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Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I love it
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance