Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”