Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.