The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man