Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny