The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”