The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Windows
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
the council will decide your fate
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
😂🖐️
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.