The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
*serious situation*
My brain:
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.