Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.