The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I will never stop laughing at this
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My wife gives the best headache.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!