If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
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Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
why isn’t he texting back
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Smile they said.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
yeah no that’s fair
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir