The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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