The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 馃槶
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Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Diet update: I鈥檓 already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby鈥檚 two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
What鈥檚 it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
another case of gang violins
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Sorry I鈥檓 late, my toddler declared independence.
We’ve all been there…
I鈥檓 leaving this garbage website because it鈥檚 become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I鈥檒l be back in 5 min.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I hate when that happens.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Nothing matters anymore so let鈥檚 bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know