The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
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Me trying to reach for my goals
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?