The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
groan^2
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey