The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
never stops being funny
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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Me: Same
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.