the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
“What movie?” 🤔
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Cannot stop laughing at this
