the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
This kid is a star!
This is my brand.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*