the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
lmfao
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.