the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Siri: Retweet me.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature