the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
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It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
This came to me in a dream.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.