The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.