The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Always
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Received some very disappointing news today
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.