Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

I put the I in Insufferable.

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you