The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
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For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else