The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Tremendous stuff
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
they really wanted me dead for this
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden