The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
This fish is cracking me up
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.