Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple