Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

😂😂

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist